I'm Still Hurting
by TheatreLoverLikeWoa
Summary: Buffy sends Angel a letter trying to finally explain how she still feels about him. Set anytime duringafter season 4, but before the end of the show.


**A/N:** Hey everyone! Thanks for the reviews on my last story, hope you like this one…B/A all the way, woot woot! BTWI still have the hand-in-recovery-from-surgery going on, so exweeeeze any typo's, please and thank you!

**Disclaimer:** The song belongs to Jason Robert Brown, a fabulous composer of the Last Five Years, from which I stole this song. Also the characters are Joss Wheadon's, not mine…I'm slowly getting over it

**Summary:** Buffy sends Angel a letter trying to explain in the least painful way possible how she still feels about him. Set anytime after season 4, but before the end of the series.

**KEY:** _Italics: indicate flash back or memory _

**Bold: indicates song lyrics**

**>>> :**change of quote sequence or episode

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She sat at her desk, pen in hand, wanting to write but somehow not knowing what to say. She had an idea, but it was still tricky. There were so many things she had wanted to tell him still, but she could never figure out how. Now she finally could. She began to write; 

Dear Angel,

So, how the broody life going in L.A? I wanted to thank you for sending Dawn that beautiful necklace for her birthday last week. She doesn't ever take it off, and the card means a lot to her too. She really misses you- she's not the only one. Anyway, I took her to New York last week to see a play she heard was great. She was right, it really was good. It's called THE LAST FIVE YEARS about this couple and their 5 year story. Anyway, the song that opened the show hit a little close too home, and I thought that you should see what I meant. Maybe you'll finally understand.

– Love always, your Buffy

**Jamie** _(Angel)_** is over and Jamie **_(Angel)_** is gone  
Jamie's** _(Angel's)_** decided it's time to move on  
Jamie** _(Angel)_** has new dreams he's building upon  
And I'm still hurting  
**>>>"_You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will" _

**Jamie** _(Angel)_** arrived at the end of the line  
Jamie's** _(Angel's)_** convinced that the problems are mine  
Jamie** _(Angel)_** is probably feeling just fine  
And I'm still hurting** _>>>"Buffy, this wasn't about you! This was about saving somebody's soul. That's what I do here, and you're not a part of it." "…You don't know me anymore. So don't come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things your way. - Go home!" _

**What about lies, Jamie?** _(Angel?)_  
**What about things  
That you swore to be true  
What about you, Jamie?** _(Angel?)  
_**What about you ?**_>>>"Hey, I won't let anything happen to you if I can help it. No matter what, I'll always be with you." >>>__"I hated hurting you, more than I could stand" _

**Jamie** _(Angel)_** is sure something wonderful died  
Jamie** _(Angel)_ **decides it's his right to decide  
Jamie 's** _(Angel's)_ **got secrets he doesn't confide  
And I'm still hurting  
**_>>>"You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you." "Who are you to tell me what's right for me?" _

**Go and hide and run away  
Run away, run and find something better  
Go and ride the sun away  
Run away like it's simple  
Like it's right... **_>>>"You don't want to be with me? I can't believe you're breaking up with me." "It doesn't mean that I don't ..." "How am I supposed to stay away from you?" "I'm leaving. After the Ascension, after it's finished with the Mayor and Faith. If we survive, I'll go." "Is this really happening?"  
_  
**Give me a day, Jamie** _(Angel)_  
**Bring back the lies  
Hang them back on the wall  
Maybe I'd see  
How you could be  
So certain that we  
Had no chance at all **_>>>"Stay with me." "Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave." __>>>"Isn't it even a little hard for you?" __>>>"When I think about us, I have this tendency to sort of go catatonic.  
_  
**Jamie** _(Angel)_** is over and where can I turn?  
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn  
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn  
But that wouldn't change the fact  
That wouldn't speed the time  
Once the foundation's cracked  
And I'm Still Hurting >>>**_"So, that's it?" "That's it. Assuming we survive this Ascension thing, he's gonna leave town." "Well, he's a fool. He's just a big, dumb, jerk person if you ask me. And he's a super-maxi-jerk for doing it right before the prom." "It's not his fault. He's 243 years old. He doesn't exactly get the prom." "But he should, if ..." "Will, it's okay. You don't have to make him the bad guy." "But that's the best friend's job, vilifying and grousing."  
"Usually, yeah. But he's right. I mean, I think, maybe in the long run, that he's right." "Yeah, I think he is. I mean, I tried to hope for the best, but... I'm sorry. It must be horrible." "I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying." "Oh Buffy." "I can't breathe, Will. I feel like I can't breathe." _

She folded the letter, sealed the envelope, and droped it in the mail box...almost. She stood there for a moment, not sure if she should send it or not. Before she could change her mind, she threw the letter in the blue box and ran all the way home. She hoped he would understand when he read it. That it wouldn't hurt him too much, that wasn't her intention. She just wanted him to understand what she'd been feeling since the night he dissapeared into the smoke. This was the first time she thought she could really tell him, and she wasn't going to just let it slip away. It was funny to her, that even though he'd hurt her so many times and she was so angry at him, he was all she wanted. Just to be near him again, be held by him again. It was all she wanted and it would have been enough. Maybe he'd finally get that he could make all the hurting stop. Maybe he'd finally see.

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so? Did you like it? YOU DID? Well, review then please! Maybe I might have a second chapter in store……


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